Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. I stand by my racial slur. I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever. * Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.

I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Save me, Jeebus. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

  1. I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.
  2. Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.
  3. Ahoy hoy?